critique this poem that I wrote and tell me what you think it means?
Abstractive innocence
The descending leaves of my innocence
have long since swept away
to a place where I cannot find again-
Though the branches from which they grew
have continued to stay strong
so that my heart can forever be tainted
with the blood that followed soon after.
The waters seem calm before the storm
comes beating through to chase away
the dreams I once knew-
Forced to think of time passed until the clock
stops ticking and the seed planted
will carry on to bloom
The common men who abstracted my love
sailed the same path looking for
the falling leaves that seem to be trapped-
Though the world will breath again, my soul
will never lie to anyone who takes the key
to unravel a lock that broke
with the blood that stains my very existence.
Rachael Elizabeth Ward
Copyright ©2007 Rachael Elizabeth Ward
What an interesting poem indeed!
My initial thought when I saw ” descending leaves of my innocence,” was gosh! here’s Shakespearian sonnet number 73 admirer again! But soon, “heart can forever be tainted,” smashed it! Here’s something new, something beckoning a closer look.
The poem, in my view, is about lost innocence, the loss of virginity and resignation to accept that indignity with dignified dignity!
The “descending leaves” seems to have double meaning. . . deployed descriptively or qualitatively as leeaves of a plant but also as the verb “to leave” (depart). By suggesting that double-meaning, I think the poem elevates its meaning beyond the cheap and the mediocre with some profound effect.
The first stanza which concludes with the fullstop, line 7, describes the loss irrecoverable loss of “leaves” (menses) “to a place where I cannot find again.” The branches (ovaries) “from which they grew / have continued to stay strong,” and I just love this next line “so that my heart can forever be tainted.” Wonderful! The branches have remained strong, a constant reminder of the virginity loss. Taint could never be better used as it is used here. . . to taint is to tarnish some thing of beauty. But why taint? My heart is tainted forever by “with the blood that followed soon after”!!! If the heart was sublime, then the menstrual flow is the slime contained in its portmanteau.
There is the usual uncertain “calm” period before the “storm comes” (when branches shed the leaves monthly) “beating through” with monstrous abandon!). . . . chasing away “the dreams I once knew”! The dreams of probably staying as chaste as the Olympian godess, Diana or as beyond suspicion as Ceasar’s wife!
The persona is unwittingly forced into deep reflection about where it all began and how the dream was swallowed by the ravages of “time” until the clock/ stops ticking and the seed planted/ will carry on to bloom.” In other words, the wrecked buccaneer continues eyeing the shore-line until respite comes when a new foetus (seed) begins life in the womb and carried to “bloom” (delivery).
I love the last stanza. Quite loaded indeed! The common men, not so much the special as it were, who “abstracted my love” who were responsible for the loss that milestone first loss come again as marauders sailing “the same path looking for
the falling leaves that seem to be trapped- (Ok, the male gametes, we know, no empasis, often compete in a wild chase like mad fools and idiots chasing nothing!) It is called appropriately “sailing.” Yes . . . sailing in search of seeds that “seem trapped” Yes indeed. Otherwise, we’d not be here. “seem” is excellent here. No one knows exactly what happens when and how the idiots locate these trapped leaves.
Fine. . . the speaker has resigned to this fate but “will never lie to anyone.” Here’s another interesting Shakespearian word play with “lie” (recall the sonnet with lines “I lie with her and she with me, and in our lies we . . . .” or Iago telling Othello about Desdemona lying with Cassio!). Here “lie” is used similarly. I will not lie to “anyone” that I am a virgin I will not lie to any man ideally who ” takes the key to unravel a lock that broke/ . . . Think about the key that you insert inside the key-hole to unlock your door. . . .you “unravel” by turning left /right /whatever! until you open. Now think of the male organ as the key and the virginity as the lock. What an excellent analogy!!
The last line takes us back to the beginning. This kind of key caused the initial loss of innocence, it is charged with breaking the intial lock so that today the speaker has to endure periodically,
“the blood that stains my very existence.”
Abstracted is not a good word in the title though.
The lexical itemss: flowing, water, storm, sail are very good until “sailed the same path looking for.” Path does notfit here with sail. river/stream or any other would be better to continue the tone and style but sailing along a path does not capture well the search for a leaf trapped in some mysterious corners in the wide stream or river or sea!
This poem, frankly whets my appetite and makes me yearn for more.
Well, that’s only my reading and opinion.
I am very very impressed by the mysteries of the topic and the ability to visualize these mysteries in appropriate images.
No one, inmy view, can doubt your command of this language and ability to make it do whatever you command.
Thumbs up for excellent effort.
Darwin Song Project ‘Clock of the World’ – Krista Detor, Karine Polwart, Emily Smith Rachael McShane
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Rachael Ray $68.51 High Quality Content by WIKIPEDIA articles Rachael Domenica Ray (born August 25, 1968) is an American television personality, celebrity chef and author. She hosts the syndicated talk and lifestyle program Rachael Ray and three Food Network series, 30 Minute Meals, Rachael Rays Tasty Travels and 40 a Day. Ray wrote cookbooks based on the 30 Minute Meals concept, and launched a magazine, Every Day with Rachael Ray, in 2006. She was born in Glens Falls, New York, to Elsa Scuderi, an Italian (Sicilian) American and James Ray, who is of French, Scottish and Welsh descent. Ray grew up in Lake George, New York. Her family owned a restaurant on Cape Cod, Massachusetts, called the Carvery, and her mother managed restaurants in upstate New York. Author: Surhone, Lambert M./ Timpledon, Miriam T./ Marseken, Susan F. Binding Type: Paperback Number of Pages: 100 Publication Date: 2010/07/08 Language: English Dimensions: 6.00 x 9.02 x 0.24 inches |
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Rachael Sporn $78.07 High Quality Content by WIKIPEDIA articles Rachael Pamela Sporn (born May 26, 1968 in Murrayville, Victoria) is a retired female basketball player from Australia, who played for the Adelaide Lightning. A threetime Olympian she was a member of the national womens team that claimed a bronze medal (1996) and two silver medals (2000 and 2004) at the Summer Olympics. Murrayville is a town on the section of the Mallee Highway between Ouyen and the South Australian border. It is about 24 kilometres (15 mi) east of the South Australian border and 536 kilometres (333 mi) north west of the state capital Melbourne, but 268 kilometres (167 mi) east of Adelaide. At the 2006 census, Murrayville had a population of 444. Author: Surhone, Lambert M./ Timpledon, Miriam T./ Marseken, Susan F. Binding Type: Paperback Number of Pages: 104 Publication Date: 2010/07/08 Language: English Dimensions: 5.98 x 9.01 x 0.24 inches |
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Rachael Beck $90.81 High Quality Content by WIKIPEDIA articles Rachael Beck (born 9 February, 1971 in Sydney, Australia) is an Australian stage and television actress. Becks best known role is that of Martin Kellys niece, Sam, on the popular sitcom, Hey Dad… . Beck has starred in a number of Australian theatre productions. She appeared in the Australian stage productions of The Sound of Music (taking over from Lisa McCune for the Perth and Adelaide productions), Les Miserables, Cabaret, Singing in the Rain, Cats, and opposite Hugh Jackman in Disneys Beauty and the Beast. In 2006, Beck appeared alongside her husband Ian Stenlake in a stage production of The Pajama Game at Melbournes State Theatre. Author: Surhone, Lambert M./ Timpledon, Miriam T./ Marseken, Susan F. Binding Type: Paperback Number of Pages: 144 Publication Date: 2010/07/11 Language: English Dimensions: 6.00 x 9.02 x 0.34 inches |
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Rachael Cantu $68.51 High Quality Content by WIKIPEDIA articles Rachael Cantu is an American singersongwriter. Born in 1981, she grew up in Orange County, California. She currently lives in Los Angeles. Cantu started her career fronting a southern Californian indie rock band called Quite Satellite while still at high school. She later wrote and performed as a solo artist in Los Angeles and San Diego, and opened for bands such as The Get Up Kids, Saves the Day and Karate. After moving to Boston, her reputation grew amongst fellow artists. Cantu opened for Canadian indie pop duo Tegan and Sara on two North American tours, and also for Limbeck and Ben Lee. Author: Surhone, Lambert M./ Timpledon, Miriam T./ Marseken, Susan F. Binding Type: Paperback Number of Pages: 80 Publication Date: 2010/07/11 Language: English Dimensions: 6.00 x 9.02 x 0.19 inches |
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Rachael Taylor $68.51 High Quality Content by WIKIPEDIA articles Rachael Taylor (born 11 July 1984) is an Australian actress and model. She made her leading role debut in the shortlived Australian program headLand. She more recently starred in Shutter alongside Joshua Jackson. Originally from Launceston, Tasmania, Taylor attended Riverside High School. Taylor has always wanted to be an actress since she was a child, performing in many school plays. Taylor modelled for SkyeJilly International and competed successfully in the State finals of Miss Teen Tasmania and Miss Universe/Miss World. She has appeared in a number of American productions such as television movies about Natalie Wood and the making of Dynasty (where she played Catherine Oxenberg) and the horror movies Manthing and See No Evil. Author: Surhone, Lambert M./ Timpledon, Miriam T./ Marseken, Susan F. Binding Type: Paperback Number of Pages: 80 Publication Date: 2010/07/11 Language: English Dimensions: 5.98 x 9.01 x 0.19 inches |
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Rachael Elizabeth $68.51 High Quality Content by WIKIPEDIA articles Rachael Elizabeth (born 1982), is an English actress best known for her role in Coronation Street as WPC Abi Sharpe. She hails from Lydiate on Merseyside. She also appeared in the Gaynor Faye drama The Chase (TV series) as well as The Bill, Jimmy McGoverns award winning series The Street and also The BBC sitcom Eyes Down where she played Dawn, a gangsters moll. She most recently appeared as glamour model SarahLeanne in BBC drama series, Waterloo Road. Elizabeth attended St Gregorys primary school, where she began playing the flute and Irish whistle, and at Maricourt high school where in her first year, she starred as Tallulah in Bugsy Malone. She then attended Liverpool Community College Arts Centre, later continuing her training at Mountview Academy of Theatre Arts where she graduated with a first class honours degree in 2006. Author: Surhone, Lambert M./ Timpledon, Miriam T./ Marseken, Susan F. Binding Type: Paperback Number of Pages: 88 Publication Date: 2010/07/11 Language: English Dimensions: 6.00 x 9.00 x 0.21 inches |
